Does the vibration that signals incoming texts on your cell seem more like an alarm than a fun alert from friends?

When you’re with your friends, do you feel out of sorts? What’s going on? A social cold? Group swine flu? Here’s how to help sick friendships become healthy again.
   
Complaint: “My friend thinks she owns me.”

Symptom: You’ve had a BFF for a while . . . but you feel like you might want to have a few other close friends, too. When you mention that you’re going shopping with someone else, BFF first tries to invite herself along. When you don’t take her up on her offer, she tries to talk you out of it and set up something for just the two of you to do. When you make it clear that you’re going without her, she pours on the guilt and then retreats to a pouting distance.

Cure: Vitamin V for Variety. It’s great to have a best friend whom you can always count on. But variety is the spice of life, as the saying goes, and life isn’t as tasty if you never add new friends. You can still have set-aside time for BFFs, but encourage yours to make and keep some new friends, too. If she doesn’t like it, don’t cave. It will only bring complications later on.

Complaint: “There’s a lot of drama, but we’re not putting on a play.”

Symptom: A certain friend is always in a crisis, a jam or has a problem that just can’t wait to be endlessly talked about. Every conversation is taken up by talking about her latest boy woe, family disaster or academic meltdown. And when she finally gets over one problem, a new one seems to magically appear. Seems as though she’s more interested in the troubles than in solutions! It’s wearing you out.

Cure: Frequent use of a thermometer. While all people have up and down moments and the occasionally stressful situation, emotionally healthy people are able to stay balanced most days. If you have a friend who’s always hot or cold, you might want to put a limit on the time you’re a good listening ear. Stick with friends who usually register a normal 98.6. And, oh! Drama isn’t limited to girls. There are drama kings, too.

Complaint: “A kiss-up wants to be better friends.”

Symptom: There’s a girl in one of your classes who’d like to hang out with your people, and mostly you like her. But she’s always kissing up to everyone in the group—admiring their clothes, commenting on their great ideas and even offering her help or . . . sometimes . . . gifts. While it’s not necessarily awful, it can be uber-annoying.

Cure: Get her an X-ray to see if there’s a backbone in there. Respond quickly and move on when she offers too much praise. Politely refuse unwanted help. In order to help her stand up straight, ask her opinion, offer a genuine compliment, and treat her exactly as one of the others so she knows you think she’s your equal.

Complaint: “One in my group of friends is always right. All the time. On everything and everyone.”

Symptom: Whenever someone has an idea, this girl has a better one. Got a problem? Hers is worse. Or else she has the answer to your woes, and she insists that you—and everyone else—do things her way, which is, of course, the right way. She needs to make all the final decisions on group projects and weekend social plans. And she can make you feel just a little stupid for not understanding how things really are. Hey! Maybe she wants to come to your house and pick out your clothes in the morning, too? Or, uh-oh . . . maybe she’s YOU?

Cure: A lovely pair of corrective lenses—either contacts or glasses will do—so she can see things with humility. Everyone has good ideas to share. Just like you learned in kindergarten, sharing is the right thing to do. Let Miss Right have her way sometimes, but then quietly insist that other people get their turn, too. When she offers advice, thank her and tell her you’ll consider it—and then firmly turn the topic to something else. A long silence before a gentle refusal after particularly pushy comments can often help her see clearly again.

Sandra Byrd lives in Seattle and is the author of the London Confidential Series. If you enjoy friendships and great reading, you’ll love this series! www.sandrabyrd.com